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broken hearts, independence, and bad decisions pt 1

I’ve struggled with sharing this story for a long time. I wrote and rewrote it several times over. It’s intensely personal, raw, and emotional but I think giving this over to you is what I need to do.

At age 28, I made the most powerful and difficult decision I’ve ever had to make. I moved out of the home I shared with my husband as our relationship crumbled around us. We agreed that it was the only way to preserve our future together but I think we both knew it was over. In record time, I found the sweetest apartment not too far away. This would be the first time in my entire life that I lived completely on my own. My husband and I sat as we separated our finances and planned what the separation would look like. He would pay my electric and gas bill and I would come over once a week to do my laundry while we “hung out” and work to repair the mess we made over 17 months of marriage. We rationalized over and over that this was the only chance we had to survive.

The night before I was supposed to leave, he stayed out a little later than usual and I packed up my stuff. He came home and I spiraled out of control. I screamed and cried and begged him to reconsider what we were doing. He stood his ground with tears in his ice blue eyes and reassured me that we were doing the right thing. So five years to the day that we met, the movers came and took my stuff away.

I arrived to my new apartment which was about a mile away from my husband and less than 2 blocks from my parent’s home. My parents and my brother helped me get settled in my new home. I was excited to move into this place. It was comfortable, cute, warm, and homey. It was a far stretch from the massive, almost empty apartment my husband and I shared.

My family was getting ready to leave when my brother asked me if I was ok. This was an odd question for him to ask as he’s not a feelings kind of guy. I nodded but I could feel the well of emotion rising in my throat. Once the door closed and I knew for sure that they were gone, I cried. I cried and cried and cried. Nothing hurt so bad in my entire life. I failed at my marriage, I sucked at life before it even really stared.

to be continued..